Why adults need to STOP using the label “BULLY” with children

Bullying is a label given to many children. Bullying is a form of abuse. We at KidSafe Foundation believe it is just that..ABUSE. What we reject and want to challenge is the thought of labeling a child a "Bully a Victim or a Bystander." As adults we all know exactly what all those terms or labels mean, and guess what our children do too. As adults we have the ability to also reflect on a child and see more than just a “Bully” and see the other qualities a “Bully” may have (or so we hope adults are able to do that.) Children however have a harder time seeing the whole child. Once a child has been given a label that label can follow them throughout their life.

We recently provided a Bullying Reduction Workshop for Administration and Teachers at a school that has had our KidSafe 8 week program each year. It was eye opening. First and foremost these teachers care so much about their students. It was evident that each of them became a teacher because somewhere in their life they had a teacher that influenced them in some way to help children. It was also evident that this school was no different from your child’s school and that Bullying is a pervasive problem and they are looking for intervention. We applaud this administration for opening the doors to a problem that has been “life long” and seems to have no hope of completely going away.

We take a systemic approach to decreasing bullying in schools. It takes everyone including the administration, teachers, support staff, parents and students to make real change. We know bullying can be reduced. We have seen it happen.

So back to the focus for this blog: when we label our children as “bully”, “target”, “bystander” these labels can follow these children for life. They start to believe they are “what we tell them they are” and in our view, this negative self-fulfilling prophecy has to stop. We need to focus on the behaviors of our children and empower them with words that can build hope and inspire them to make better decisions. For example you the adult see a child “bully” another, we the adults have to stop and think and make better choices for how we respond to the child who is being mean, “Billy I saw what you did, or heard what you said and that was hurtful, I know you can make a better choice.” It is in our tone, it is in our voice, it is in our demeanor and how we talk to these children. Now the shy child, you may focus on and think "target." Now the child believes it too! "Oh I’m shy" and this child begins to see that as a negative, which it does not have to be.

Instead we need to give children support and strategies for how to handle uncomfortable and abusive situations. We need to give them a voice. Teach them how how to respond to a child who is mean to them? For some children assertiveness comes naturally. But for the majority of children they need to be coached, talked to and perhaps given exactly how to respond in these types of situations. Children need to know trusted adults are available for help and how to approach these adults when they need assistance. Early intervention to reduce bullying behaviors is the obvious key. The education of our children and the empowerment of each child to know that yes they can make a better choice needs to start as early as preschool.

But, most of all as adults we need to be watching and paying attention to the subtle and obvious behaviors of children so there can be ongoing early intervention. If an adult does not intervene when a child is being hurtful to another child, the child doing the hurtful behavior thinks he can get away with it, that there is nothing wrong with this type of behavior and there are no consequences. The child who is receiving the hurtful behavior thinks the adult not only can’t help, but does not care. Two things we NEVER want a child to feel. So we at KidSafe Foundation ask you to stop labeling children and start focusing on changing behaviors, paying more attention, empowering children to make the “right” choices in how they treat people. And when appropriate, advocate for the children to get them the services they need before their behaviors have life altering effects. Think about your own child, do you want the label of Bully, Bystander or Target to follow them through their life or do you want to let your child know that YOU know they can change their behavior? For more information visit our web site www.kidsafefoundation.org

“Mom are you my friend?”

(and we are not talking Facebook Friend)

Those are the 5 words my son asked me. That small question, made me think. How do I want to answer this? So it had me pondering what other mothers thought about “being their child’s friend.” Before I share their thoughts – let me tell you mine right up front. ”NO I am not your friend, I am your mom,” is what I told my 10 year old son. But that conversation didn’t stop there, he asked me if I was friends with my parents. That one was an easy answer - NO – and although I could share many things my parents did not do right – one thing they did do right is they were never my friend (until I became an adult).

Now why do I think what they did was right? I believe that a parent is there to protect, guide, teach, model good decision making, model kind behavior, keep the family safe, and provide consistency in a child’s life so a child can feel safe and comfortable and best able to handle life’s challenges along the way. A parent should also be the one a child feels he can talk to about anything while at the same time the parent sets rules, boundaries and expectations for behaviors. This structure is what provides children with a sense of safety, belonging and if done well an open relationship between parent and child is established.

And when a child breaks the rules, boundaries and expectations (as they are meant to do – it is how they learn) it is the job of the parent to give the child consequences for those behaviors – while using the experience as a teachable moment. How can we learn from this? How can we do better next time? Our job as parents is to prepare our children for life…to be able to talk with our children about the real issues with the intention of teaching them life skills so they and we, will feel confident that when they go out on their own they will be best able to make the safest and smartest choices. “Friends” do not have that type of relationship – active parents do.

So as I ponder this…and ask some mom friends their thoughts, I was surprised how many disagreed with me. They want to be their child’s friend. I was told if I am their friend they will tell me everything, they want to be a “cool” mom and they want their child’s friends to think they are “cool” too.

So I ask, what makes a “cool” mom – and basically they all said the same thing, not many rules (like staying up late watching TV, playing video games, computer, cell phone and texting without any rules or consequences for breaking those rules), not being “overprotective” – letting their child go to a friend’s house that they don’t know, hang out at the mall at quite young ages (cause everyone else is), letting them have a Facebook account before they are 13. I could go on and on…and I realized I must be in the minority because to me, it sounded like – A cool parent is a parent that lets their child run their house (or a cool parent doesn’t want to disappoint their child or deal with conflict and has a hard time saying no or setting limits….. perhaps that is for another blog.)

Well I guess I don’t fall under “cool” parent category! My husband and I run our household. We set limits, have rules, boundaries and expectations. When those are not followed my son knows the consequences. I love my son and I want him to be the “best” person he can be, I want him to make mistakes and learn from them, I want him to be good to others and treat others how he wants to be treated. Most of all I want him to be happy and comfortable with who he is – but if he was running our house how could we teach him these things? If he had no limits what will he expect from others? If no is not a word told to him he will expect the world to always say “yes” and boy will he be in for a shocker as he gets older.

If he didn’t have to follow specific rules, boundaries and expectations what kind of person would I be preparing him to be in school and more importantly in life? So what I say to my son, who I love more than anything is, “I am better than just a friend, I am your mom, and proud of it.” And PS sweetie – one day (after years of therapy) you will thank me for it.

Summer is approaching and suddenly your children will be in a new routine. Whether you are sending them to camp, day or overnight there are some very important questions that need to be asked before you send your children out the door.

Do you assume the camp you chose for your kids will be safe? Have you asked the appropriate questions that would give you confidence in the camp? When we asked this question of friends and family sending their kids to camp, most parents with a slight blush and timid smile reported that their main concerns were:

Will my child have friends at the camp
Expense of the camp
Location of camp
Activities their children will be experiencing

Not one parent thought to ask - what is the camp’s risk assessment for safety? What is their safety record? Health precautions? Have the counselors been trained? If so what exactly are they trained in? Have they ever experienced any abuse problems in the past? What safety precautions has the camp put in place so my children will be safe? Wow – it’s an eye opener…so ask yourself now have you EVER asked these questions to a director or even thought about them before?

What would you do if you had prior knowledge that the camp you are sending your child to had numerous accidents, revolving door of counselors through the years and a counselor that had harmed a child  wouldn't you want to know? I think we all can agree that we would want to know and most parents, after having that information would choose to send their child to a different camp….But how do you know the prior safety record of a camp if you don’t ask? You can’t always find all the information you need from Google nor from asking a friend what they think of the camp.

We spend more time trying to find out the safety rating of the car we drive then we do the safety of the camp we are sending our precious children to. So, with that said we have a challenge for you- We want to you to take the safety of your child to a new level by asking the director of the camp the following questions:

Are criminal background checks performed on all your employees?

Is each person checked through the National Sex offender registry?

Do you conduct interviews and reference checks on all employees (including teen counselors)?

How do you screen for possible sex offenders?

During your interview process do you discuss boundaries – appropriate or inappropriate touches? Bullying?

Do you offer your employee’s clear policies about sexual misconduct and consequences – are these policies in writing in an employee handbook?

What steps are you taking to decrease the risk of sexual abuse at your camp?

What steps are you taking to decrease the risk of bullying at camp?

What type of training do you offer your staff?

Do you offer training to staff to prevent sexual abuse and bullying?

Are you licensed by the state?

Are you accredited by the ACA?

Your children deserve to go to a camp that takes their personal safety as seriously as you do. So please take the time to ask your Camp Director these questions so you can be satisfied and confident that the camp you are sending your child to is doing everything they can to ensure your child's safety. But please don’t stop there….Talk with your children about their personal safety. Talk with them about “what if” scenarios so you can see if they will come up with the safest and smartest choices when away from you. Let your children know they can talk to you about ANYTHING!!!

We owe it to our children to send them to a camp we feel confident has done its best to educate and train their staff on prevention education so that your child will have a safe and happy summer. We owe it ourselves to allow our children the freedom to experience new things without us and feel that we have done everything we can to ensure their safety.

After all, don't you think your children are worth it?

Jeffrey M. Herman is a nationally recognized attorney who devotes 100% of his practice to representing Victims of sexual abuse and exploitation. In addition, he serves on the Board of Directors of KidSafe Foundation. Mr. Herman may be reached by email at jherman@hermanlaw.com or www.hermanlaw.com.

Child molesters are looking for ways to get access to your child today. He wants your child and he is out there, right now, looking for opportunities. He is at your kid’s school, Church or Temple, the Boy Scouts, Little League, Big Brothers, and every other place that your child frequents. The child molester is patient and he is persistent. He is clever. He will keep trying until an institution accepts him and gives him access to your child. Then his work begins. He identifies his targets. A child looking for a friend or a father figure. Usually, he is working several victims at the same time. Next, he starts the grooming process. Slowly he gains your child’s trust and even yours. Eventually, he betrays that trust in the most tragic way. He sexually abuses your child. He murders your child’s soul.

As a child advocate representing victims of abuse and a father of four children, I have come to learn the ways of the child molester. I have seen the dark side and it is your worst nightmare. I know this sick underworld is not in some foreign place. It is in our own backyards. I have seen families destroyed and lives lost at the hands of a pedophile. Parents ask me, what can we do?

KNOW THY ENEMY. The enemy knows your child, so you better know him. To understand the child molester, you should know how he thinks. The child molester most dangerous to your child is not the stranger wearing the overcoat in the park. More likely someone you trust, such as the soccer coach, the pastor, or “Uncle Jimmy”. Law enforcement historically taught us “stranger – danger” or “don’t talk to strangers”. Although this may be true in some cases, most child sexual abuse is committed by people that are known and sometimes related to the victim. Parents may place so much emphasis on warning their child to be fearful of strangers, that the child assumes all non-strangers are safe and will go off with them willingly.

All pedophiles are not child molesters and all child molesters are not pedophiles. A pedophile is a person who prefers to have sex with prepubescent children. All pedophiles do not sexually abuse children. Some pedophiles are content with fantasizing about sex with children and will not act out. Others, of course, do act out and are referred to as preferential child molesters. Conversely, some child molesters are not pedophiles at all. A drug crazed psychopath may have sex with anyone in the immediate vicinity (the “opportunistic” child molester). Or a religious freak may engage in sex with children as part of some bizarre religious ceremony (the “ritualistic” child molester). The most common type of child molester and the most difficult to defend against is the preferential child molester - the pedophile who acts out on his sexual desires for children. Typically, he does not believe he is doing anything wrong. He believes he loves children and that children seduce him. He thinks he would never hurt your child. He only wants to love your child. His sexual drive for children is compulsive and he spends most of his waking time looking for and creating opportunities with children. If given the chance, he will sexually abuse your child.

The internet is a haven for pedophiles and has made the problem much worse. A pedophile who in the past was content to only fantasize about children because he thought he was “weird” or different, now can communicate with others of his same mindset. Communication over the internet amongst the pedophile community leads to pedophiles acting out. A pedophile will share stories about his conquests over the internet. Pedophiles not previously disposed to acting out, feel that they are not so different after all and are empowered to act out. Pedophiles will share there grooming techniques and the best places to find vulnerable children on the internet. Pedophiles may even use the internet to establish contact with your child.

SEE THE RED FLAGS.

2A person who prefers to have sex with post-pubescent children is known as a paraphile. In this article, the term pedophile shall include paraphiles. 3 in a deposition of a pedophile who was the friend of the child molester, I asked whether he (the friend) was aware the child molester traveled to Morocco and sexually abused boys. The friend responded “no”. I rephrased the question and asked whether he was aware the child molester traveled to Morocco and was seduced by boys. He responded “yes” and went on to tell me how the young boys came on to his friend which led to the child molester engaging in sex with these 10 year old boys.

Is this adult a pedophile? Of course, every priest, coach, teacher and scout leader is not a pedophile. In fact, most people who work with children are genuinely caring adults who enjoy helping children. On the other hand, some of these people are pedophiles. How do you know? In most cases, you will not know until it is too late. Parents should look for signs before that dreaded outcome becomes a reality. Pedophiles share many common traits and parents can look for these red flags. Many pedophiles are not married and do not have established romantic relationships with adults. (Unfortunately, some men will date or even marry single mothers to get access to her children. Beware.)

Is your child being groomed? Although pedophiles may have their own style of grooming, their techniques often share common characteristics. Watch out for men who give gifts to your child, spend time with your child outside of the activity, invite your child on outings (baseball games, Disney World, etc.), call your child on the telephone, correspond on the internet, say inappropriate things to your child, or in any other way do something to make your child feel special. We all know that our children are special and deserve the special attention, but when it comes from an adult who is not the child’s parent, beware and be cautious.

Are you being groomed? Pedophiles often groom the parents as well as the child. The pedophile wants you to trust him and give him the benefit of the doubt. Be wary of men who give you gifts, offer to help you in your business, or otherwise make you indebted to him while at the same time getting closer to your child. The purpose of grooming the parents is so that if, and when, you question his motives with your child, you will want to look the other way or feel compelled to look the other way so as not to insult your benefactor or lose his assistance. No parent will ever intentionally sell out his child, but some will look the other way when faced with the realities of life.

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. You do know what’s best for your child. Your instincts are correct. If someone makes you uncomfortable then remove your child from the situation. If an adult makes you suspicious, react before it is too late.

ERR ON THE SIDE OF CAUTION. Too often, parents of victims tell me they were uncomfortable around the pedophile, or something made them suspicious. Too often, it is too late and the parents blame themselves. If they only acted on their instincts, they could have saved their child. Be proactive. The worse that can happen is that you insult an adult who has only good intentions for your child. On the other hand, if you don’t err on the side of caution, you may be handing your child over to a pedophile. It is an easy choice.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOUR CHILD WAS ABUSED? Many parents incorrectly believe that their child will tell them if they were sexually abused. This is not usually the case. Children do not generally discuss their normal sex life with their parents. Add in the fact that the partner is an adult, probably someone the parents know and trust and it becomes more unlikely that the child will report the abuse. In addition, since the sexual encounter does not take place until the child is groomed and the child “willingly” participates, the child feels that he is to blame. Feelings of guilt and shame are overwhelming. The child often feels that he did something wrong. The pedophile tells the child that he loves him and that they are not doing anything wrong. The pedophile tells your child that they must keep their relationship secret. The physical act may even feel good to the child which creates confusion in the young mind. Finally, the pedophile may make direct or implied threats against the child or his family designed to keep their relationship secret.

If your child was abused you may notice behavioral changes. These include sexual acting out, such as compulsive masturbation, sexual play, inappropriate touching of sexual organs, simulating sex with toys or other objects, and sexual comments that are age inappropriate. Other behavioral changes are sleep disturbances, anger, fear of going to certain places, low self-esteem and depression. Many victims of child sexual abuse develop addictive behaviors as teenagers. The frequency or intensity of these behaviors, as well as the combination of two or more of these behaviors, may be indicative of sexual abuse, particularly acting out sexually. If you notice such behavioral changes in your child, you should investigate further and speak to a psychological professional.

WHAT SHOULD YOU DO IF YOUR CHILD WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED? Do not ignore what happened to your child. Putting your head in the sand and hoping that your child will forget about the abuse is dangerous. Dealing with the problem head on will help your child cope with the abuse the rest of his life. Untreated, the affects of the abuse may surface during your child’s lifetime. Get your child and yourself into therapy with a professional skilled in the area of child

Boy...will we miss Oprah! We will especially miss Oprah because she became the empowering voice behind the survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Thanks to Oprah the silence surrounding childhood sexual abuse has been broken. When Oprah came forward years ago and shared her story about being sexually abused as a child, it opened the door to others who believed they were alone in their pain and suffering. Oprah became a friend, a confidant, a role model, to millions of people…”Saying this happened to me…I survived..You can too!”

As Mental Health professional, we know that sharing your personal story is the beginning of the healing process. Oprah, through her sharing, inspired women, men, professional athletes, politicians, Actors, Actresses and musicians to share their stories. As heartbreaking as it is to hear these stories it has helped countless others and has made talking about childhood sexual abuse less taboo.

It seems every day (and maybe it’s just us because keeping children safe from abuse is our life’s work) there is story upon story about yet another child being harmed. It is time for lawmakers, politicians, and the president to realize that every child deserves the right to be safe and to learn the skills to help PREVENT child abuse. We need Prevention Education MANDATED in elementary schools across the nation.

Why? Because as the statistics show 1 out of 3 girls and 1 out of 6 boys will be sexually exploited before their 18^th birthday. Every 10 seconds a child is abused. Those numbers are only the children who REPORT and most do not TELL. This is an epidemic and we need to treat it as one by helping all children learn how to keep themselves safe and educate adults on signs, symptoms and appropriate boundaries. Adults need to know what to do if a child comes to them and discloses – which is especially hard when it is someone in the family, as 68% of the time a child is harmed by a family member and 90% of the time it is by someone they know! Adults need to realize with those statistics how hard it is for a child to disclose and how rare it is for a child to lie about abuse…..BELIEVE THEM!!! Your response to their disclosure can make a child feel Powerful or Powerless!

How can we help more children? Continue to break the cycle of silence that prevails around sexual abuse and in doing so, hope others will have the courage to come forward. Make it the norm in your homes, in preschools, elementary schools, house of worship, and among your neighbors to talk with children about the rights they have to keep their bodies safe. Tell children directly that their bodies are special, their bodies belong to them, and touches can be safe or unsafe. Teach children to not keep secrets that make them uncomfortable or confused, and read empowering books with children regarding the rights they have over their bodies. All children would then be receiving the same message: “ There is no topic we cannot discuss – even about sexual abuse.”  When you give children this message,they gain an understanding of the rights they have over their bodies, how to keep themselves safe, and our children become EMPOWERED!! To do this we need to provide all children and adults with Prevention Education.

Our Gut Instinct - always trust your intuition – it is rarely wrong! Think to yourself ‘ what would I want someone to do to protect my child?’ Would you want someone to turn a blind eye or would you want them to protect your child? If you suspect a child is being abused, CALL the authorities…. If you’re not sure what number – call 911 – or your local child abuse hot line. We know from experience that this is not an easy thing to do, fear of the backlash, having self-doubt that your reporting will be helpful or more hurtful to the children, BUT…. We must always err on the side of protecting the child.

Educating ourselves on these issues as parents and even just as good citizens is important. It takes a village to keep children safe. Oprah may be leaving, but the effects of her disclosure and years of talking about child sexual abuse can still have powerful effects of keeping children safe if we all work together. Our book My Body is Special and Belongs to Me! Addresses the issues of Safe and Unsafe touch Secrets, Private Parts, Boundaries and how to get help in a developmentally appropriate, fun and natural way for children to understand. We also included an extensive parent section that can help you in your efforts to educate your children and keep them safe.

All Proceeds from our books go directly to our 501(c) 3 nonprofit to bring prevention education to all families.